I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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