i used baking grease as lip gloss
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
