Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
