no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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