nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
