Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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