Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
