my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
