I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Everyone says I win the strip club
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
