Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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