420 ftw
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
