Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Randomize
