lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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