you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
