Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
