i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
