i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
