I wish I could punch you in the face.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
