This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
