you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you would pick up someone in the library
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
