I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
