Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
