Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
