when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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