Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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