hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
