he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
