You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I love you. Go after that dick
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
