you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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