I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
