I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
