He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
