I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I currently don't understand fingers.
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