I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
