having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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