Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
