Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
BRING THE BAGELS
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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