Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
