Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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