I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
two words...techno handjob
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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