What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
