did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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