the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Randomize
