making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize