I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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