Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
