If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
