Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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