I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
