life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
